we manage to fight everyday now. every single day. he tells me he will come over tuesday. he doesn't. then he tells me he will come over wednesday. and he doesn't. finally he tells me he will come over today, and he doesn't. to top it all off he has rehab three times a week, which leaves me three hours alone, everyday. he goes to sleep early, wakes up late, and then chooses to ignore me half the time when he really can talk.
i mean, i know i shouldn't complain about the rehab, because for most people it works out just fine. the only problem is that michael isn't like most people. he isn't taking the opportunity to get better. he uses it to make more friends. the only problem with these friends is that they are addicted to all sorts of drugs. does he really think befriending them is a great idea at this point?
i honestly have no idea what to do anymore. our relationship has turned to pure shit. and since november, i have been hoping that things will get better. each time something happened, all i wanted was to say to myself "he will change. he will get better and learn not to do this kind of stuff" but of course, he doesn't. besides, he is a fifteen year old teenage boy. he has his hormones, and he will do anything he has to do to satisfy himself. if that means cheating on me, trying to overdose and then blaming it all on me for not getting sexual pleasure from me, then so be it.
i dont think i can even manage to stay on the phone with him for longer then five minutes without getting irritated. he blames his personality on the drugs, saying it stopped his emotional changing period when he was twelve. bullshit. fucking bullshit.
and then he cheats on me. ally, deven, holly, becka, and krystal.
they all make me feel wonderful.

I've been beaten down, I've been kicked around,
But she takes it all for me.
And I lost my faith, in my darkest days,
But she makes me want to believe.

They call her love, love, love, love, love. (x2)
She is love, and she is all I need.
She's all I need.

Well I had my ways, they were all in vain,
And she waited patiently.
It was all the same, all my pride and shame,
And she put me on my feet.

They call her love, love, love, love, love. (x3)
She is love, and she is all I need. (x3)

too bad you don't know where i am, what i am doing, and what is going on around me. you may know how i feel, what i am wearing, and what i did today. of course, that may just possibly be a given.
"i hate you"
"i hate you"
"i hate you"
"i hate you"
thank you. i appreciate it. i am sorry. i didn't know being like this would cause you so much pain. you can't be jealous though. i am expected to keep it all together, to achieve more then what i have already achieved. if i fail them, there are consequences. people who if you disappoint, can banish you from the earth and let you decay and die on some other universe. you on the other hand, don't understand that. you see what goes on, you know what goes on, and you don't understand. why can't you just get me out of here? i love you so much, but why can't you just do something about it.

RANDOM PERFECT COUPLE:

Boyfriend: Hey baby, you feeling better?
Me: Hey, not really…
Boyfriend: I guess I’m probably not going to be able to come over anymore today.
Me: Well, I don’t want you to get sick… I feel awful, and look awful… and if you come over you’ll – 1. See me, and 2. Get sick.
Boyfriend: Babe, I hate to tell you but you could never look awful. You’re gorgeous. If went blind today, the one thing I’d miss is seeing your face every day. I love you… You look gorgeous, even with no makeup on, your hair up in a twisty thingy, whatever you call them, and in pajamas or sweatpants, and of course, with my hoodie on. And, I’d rather be sick as a dog, then not be able to see you.
Me: Awhhh(: I love you. And the twisty thing is a bun. :D
Boyfriend: I love you too. Go to sleep, you need your rest. I’ll call you tonight.

*not me*

i want that. so fucking bad.

face up to the facts.

my mother is someone who i thought i could impress. no, not yet. she thinks i drink, and knows i cut, deep. the sad part is that she didn't take away the razors. all thirteen of them. i wanted her to take them away.

my boyfriend likes to use me for sex. his excuse for cheating on me is that he doesn't get enough of it. im sorry if i cant let myself give you a blow job.

my friend doesn't like me because i don't drink or smoke. im shy, and she wants someone who has power. she finds a bitch and a gay guy. there now a threesome.

i don't have any real true friends. no one knows everything about me.
they all know bits and pieces. and i have to watch what i say to some people.
i think i told them something, when i really didn't.

all i wanted was to burn the place to the ground.

i thought i told you, i'm a star.

Dear Asshole,

Don't do this to me. I can't take it. I can't just learn to begin to trust someone, and then find out they leave. My life is not fucking bullshit. Don't tell me that it is, because I don't believe you. I can live my life the way I want it, and if you have a problem with it, then YOU come here and fix it, because I don't have to if I don't think its possible or if I don't want to.

I don't need someone to look beautiful. I want someone who will love me. Not someone who will be conceited about themselves. I am sorry for upsetting you, putting you through my bullshit.

From Bitch.

(NEW PERSON)

Dear Travis,

And now, Travis, I wish I was still talking to you. You always seemed to make me feel better, or at least got me mad to think straight. Sometimes I think that you actually did care about me, which did feel amazing at the time. I miss you, you know? I do agree, not talking to you probably did help a little, but it still would have been nice for you to tell me one last time that my hair is gross :P

From Kait.

Dear Stomach,
have i ever told you how much i hated you? because i really do. why can you not just shrink down and be flat? why can't you just help me lose that weight i have oh so magically put on?

He walks into my room once more.
I wonder if I could get out the door.
Could I run away from him?
Would his reflexes be so dim?
I pretend that I am asleep.
He stands beside me as I weep.
He tells me to relax and in him trust.
These things he does to me he must.
Why, I do not know.
But he says it is so.
I wish to fight, I wish to hide.
I cringe and cry inside.
I wish to run, I wish to yell,
As, on my bed, he fell.
Could he find me if I hid?
Can’t he see I’m just a kid?
I’d try to run away,
With fear I would sway.
He’d find me, no matter where I’d gone.
This game goes on until dawn.
Finally, at dawn’s first light,
The memory fades into the night.
I am happy when my eyes open,
But at night it will always begin again.
As I run through the house,
I feel, vaguely, like a mouse.
He calls my name,
Always wanting to play the game.
The vicious cycle begins again.
Oh, will it ever end?
I am crying as I run.
Will he ever be done?
In a mirror, I see my eyes.
They’re wide, fearful, full of surprise.
Again, at dawn, he’s gone again.
When will it end?
At school, I see you.
But, in my mind, I see him, too.
Even you, I’m afraid to trust.
Because of him, all I saw was lust.
When you walked past,
I knew my life would be changing fast.
Every day I think of you.
I ignored what I knew to be true.
I can’t get you out of my head,
No matter what I’ve said.
I think of you all night.
Halting the memories until first light.
During the day, you I always see.
Without you, where would I be?
I am scared to see where I would have gone,
Waiting for safety at dawn.
Could you see that I was scared,
Every day when you saw how I fared?
Do you understand why, from you, I run?
I keep telling you that I am done.
That’s not what I really want from you.
I’m afraid to ask, not knowing what to do.
I don’t know what I need,
I wish I were up to speed.
I ask from you too much,
I even miss your touch.
I don’t know what you want from me.
I wish you’d say it bluntly.
At night you would keep me feeling fine.
You always kept me entwined.
Entranced was I with your every word.
Weird feelings in me you stirred.
I couldn’t figure out what it meant.
Every conversation left me spent.
But why is it that way?
Do I have any say?
Can I erase what I feel,
As easily as yours you had to seal?
Is it true?
Could I really be in love with you?
I can’t stand the suspense.
I can’t keep my feelings in a fence.
I’m feeling like I’m on a tether.
I feel as light, as fragile, as a feather.
What, from you, can I keep?
Feelings from me always seem to seep.
I wish I could stay here,
But I must leave, out of fear.
I don’t want to fall deeper in love.
I want to stay in the sky high above.
I want to stay aloof like I used to.
How can I do that like I used to do?
You I will dearly miss.
With you, I am in bliss.
Then I see you again.
I wish these feelings would finally end.
The nightmares are finally gone,
Not held back by the thought of dawn,
But these feelings I can’t kill,
I wish I could do that still.
What has happened to me to make this hard?
Why can’t I keep these feelings barred?
So until I can do better,
I must keep my feelings in a fetter.
I need to say goodbye,
For many reasons before I lie.
The nightmares have left me alone.
At night, I don’t have to turn, toss, and moan.
So here I am, saying goodbye to you.
Before I have to admit what is true.
Don’t try to make me see,
And, as I will it, so mote it be.
What did you think?

the stupid smile on your face, it is fake.
so get the fuck over yourself.
kay? good.

My name is Chris, I am three,
My eyes are swollen, I cannot see,
I must be stupid, I must be bad,
What else could have made, My daddy so mad?
I wish I were better, I wish I weren't ugly,
Then maybe my mommy, Would still want to hug me.
I can't do a wrong, I can't speak at all
Or else im locked up, All day long.
When im awake im all alone
The house is dark, My folks aren't home
When my mommy does come home
I'll try and be nice,, So maybe i'll just get
One whipping tonight., I just heard a car
My daddy is back, From Charlie's bar.
I hear him curse, My name is called
I press myself, Against the wall
I try to hide, From his evil eyes
He finds me weeping, Calls me ugly words,
He says its my fault, He suffers at work.
He slaps and hits me, And yells at me more,
I finally get free, And run to the door
He's already locked it, And i start to bawl,
He takes me and throws me, Against the hard wall
I fall to the floor, With my bones nearly broken,
And my daddy continues, With more bad words spoken,
"I'm sorry!", I scream, But its now much to late
His face has been twisted, Into a unimaginable shape
The hurt and the pain, Again and again
O please God, have mercy!, O please let it end!
And he finally stops, And heads for the door
While i lay there motionless, Brawled on the floor
My name is chris. I am three,
Tonight my daddy, Murdered me

Dear Kait,
calm down, you don't need this right now.
From Kait.

high school. teenage girls. drama. and threats. that is what i live for. i wake up, and do that every day. it was never a he said she said thing. it was the "i can't wait till SHE dies" "i cant wait till her parents find HER on the side of the road" kind of thing. and of course, since i sit right across from that girl in lunch, it kind of shows that she still cannot tell me anything to my face.
but it doesn't matter. high school drama, eh? i can learn to deal with it.
sadly i didn't even do anything to start it. and i don't understand why she manages to be such a bitch. we were all fine without her, so why the hell did she have to move back.