august 30th, say what?

today, is a day where i can not get down on myself. hence, why i am not continuing on my last post today, but i will on another day.
honestly, i do not feel happy anymore. even my dad asked if i was "depressed" and boy, i never knew he even noticed that kind of stuff, let alone he notice anything about me.
i mean, before i made cupcakes right? i was getting them out of the oven, and all of a sudden i notice that my upper arm gets burned by the pan. and it hurt. it hurt like a bitch. and then, thirty minutes later, i sit there and realize, "that felt nice." because, i can control it.
all day i have been thinking about cutting again. i mean, i stole a razor from my mom, all i would have to do would be to get the blades out. and if i didn't do that, i HAVE blades on my nightstand that i could use. yes i know, they are not as sharp, but still they are better then nothing.
i don't know whats wrong either. its a feeling that i can't describe. its like i have been in a black hole for the past week, and i cannot get out of it, no matter how much i try :/

FMGDL.

fuck my god damn life.

i really wish that someone had never invented chat rooms. because, stupid little girls, like me, will go in there and not know what they are doing. of course, i had to be another statistic, and learn the hard way. i sat with my best friend at her house, home alone, not knowing what was going on when a guy who was ten years older then we were, was describing to us that he was *touching my friend's thigh and going up to her vagina, ready to have sex* of course, we had know idea what was going on. seriously, we were only twelve years old, and we couldn't get through our heads that guy's actually had a penis. then, of course, i was curious after i had gotten home. i signed on the internet, searched google to find the chat room i was in with my friend, and started talking.

now, three years later, i look back and think that i was such an idiot back then. if i could change one thing about my life, i would change that i never talked to internet guys again. with me saying that, it does mean a lot. because i hate the way i look. but i can deal with it. i hate the way i act. but i can deal with it. and i hate how i am treated sometimes. but i can deal with it. what i CANNOT deal with, is knowing that the reason why i have been upset for the past 3 years is because i was stupid, and learned the wrong way about sex.

in the beginning, i guess you can call me an internet whore. i jumped around from many different guys, learning new things, and becoming attached to them, right when they would leave and say goodbye. i was becoming addicted to finding a guy out there who i could say was mine. i wanted to know that they liked me, and that they approved of me.

and now, i remember a good couple of guys that i had talked to.

the first guy that i actually remember was takis. yes, a weird name for american's, but he was sixteen years old, and from greece. he was very sweet and nice and had described to me that if he ever came to america, he would want to take me on a horse drawn carriage ride in the streets of new york city, in the winter when it was lightly snowing, so then we could kiss and hold each other. but after 3 days, he decided that it was not good for me to talk to him, because i was 12, and he was 16, and it would have not been a good idea for me to get attached.

after takis, i felt alone. my parents were completely absorbed in my brother, who was doing football, basketball, karate, dirt bike racing, and baseball. they had no time for me and my silly ways. so i became more absorbed into finding someone to talk to. no, my friends weren't good enough. they didn't know how to make me feel special. all i wanted was to feel special.

the next guy who i remember, was very interesting. i don't know how exactly i managed to talk to him, because i KNEW it was wrong, worse then other ones, but sadly, i still continued to talk to him for about a week. the first question he asked me was "what is your name?" the second was "how old are you?" and the third was "are you okay with me being 50 years old?" now, you are saying to yourself, that i am the stupidest person alive. that no one in the right mind, would want to be with a guy, 38 years older then them. but, i was desperate. my desire for someone to love me, was very strong. so, we talked. and talked. and then thats when it got dirty. no, i will inform you now, no pictures were sent. but i do remember, that was the first time i have ever understood why guys would tell me that i "turned them on" because, he turned me on. i am very ashamed of that. and i wish it didn't happen. i wish it wasn't true. but sadly, it was. all week, we talked, and then, all of a sudden, he wouldn't go back into the chat room. i learned and recognized a new word that week. and the word was, used. i was used. and it hurt like hell.


i will continue soon.

hurricane bill wanted to kill me.

BERMUDAAAAAAAAAA.

Yes, as you can tell, it has been 8 days since i have left the united states to go to the lovely land of Bermuda. well, i am back, and HOPEFULLY you have noticed that i did not die. (even though i kept telling my parents that i would when the boat would sink) luckily, the boat did not sink! and i became calmer over the week because the boat was a friggin' tank! seriously, it had 13 (or 14?) floors. so all you did if you choose to not be lazy, was walk up those god damn stairs! ALL DAY! now there are two sides of the weather that i must share. first, the weather was b-e-a-u-t-i-f-u-l every single day. i actually got a good tan. now, the bad news. A FREAKING HURRICANE WAS COMING TO KILL ME THE WHOLE TIME. yes, hurricane bill decided to scare the #%&@$ out of me, and make itself hit Bermuda. luckily, our pretend captain (hence, he did not actually drive the boat, he just planned the track/speed because the computers did the rest) made the good decision to go home early. now, if they didn't, i would have been lying on the ground screaming "I AM GOING TO DIE." the whole way there and back.

rain rain, go away!

yes, as you can tell from that lovely title, its raining. i just recently made a new video for my youtube account. its a video remix, and i am a tad bit proud, but not that much. and, i think im pretty weird. (pictures of me are stupid)

yes, i have finally started packing. a very small pile of my clothes are sitting on the dining room table. and i need to add more. i will, umm, later.

michael is at football right now. and he is texting me, waiting for it to start. he is just so cute :]

and i have run out of things to say. goodbye lovies.

diet diet diet

ugh >.< i really hate when i just sit and do nothing.

and then i complain that i need to work out.

but i don't work out what i really need, my stomach and arms.

i work out my legs.

fml.

peanut butter

I'm listening to the song party in the usa by miley cyrus. and it actually isn't that bad.
miley cyrus has really pretty hair ->
I'm kinda jealous!


this morning i woke up, and some crazy devil decided to put a curse on me today:
first, the computer crashed.
next, i don't feel like packing for the cruise i am going on in 4 days.
then, i don't want to work out.

then, a pretty little angel decides to make me feel better and:
i restored my computer.
played some ddr.

and yet, i still need to pack. i actually think i understand the reason why i haven't started packing yet. because i am afraid to go on the cruise. thinking that i might die? i am so negative.

michael, the boyfriend, is hanging out in town where he lives with his friends. well, thats just dandy! because i dearly miss him. and when he hangs out with all of his other friends, he barely texts me O.O

I'm getting pretty addicted to blogging now. its kind of fun, and i am very surprised that i like it so much.

seeeeee yaaaaaaaa.

CRUISE? WOAH!

Yes, my mother actually pulled through, and my family and I are going on a cruise.
Where are we going? Bermuda!
It is a lovely seven day cruise to Bermuda, and I must say, I am pretty darn excited.
The ship that we are going on, is..dun dun dun dun..
THE Norwegian Dawn.

Anyway, on to other news. My life has basically no point anymore. It is kind of sad. I sit around all day either spending hours on the computer, laying in bed reading, watching tv, or eating. Then, when I finally decide that this isn't right, I go work out on either the treadmill or my stationary bike I got for Christmas. Don't get me wrong, I do somewhat enjoy my long days, but it feels like I have no life :P

I am 15 years old now, and I feel like I should get a job. Everyone is getting a job these days, and I think
"Hmm, maybe I should jump on the bandwagon and get one to."
Sadly though, I do not want a job.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!

I am already thinking about college, and the applications. I want to get into a good school. Possibly major in psychology? But then it has me thinking, they are only going to accept kids who do activities, as in sports, clubs, and community service. WELL THEN! at the rate I'm going, my hobbies will include, being a couch potato.

So, with me doing nothing all day, and then having to think that I do nothing all day, then making me think that I am going to have to go out in the world to find SOMETHING to do that is productive, it gets me in a little frenzy.

I think I am going completely nuts.