FMGDL.

fuck my god damn life.

i really wish that someone had never invented chat rooms. because, stupid little girls, like me, will go in there and not know what they are doing. of course, i had to be another statistic, and learn the hard way. i sat with my best friend at her house, home alone, not knowing what was going on when a guy who was ten years older then we were, was describing to us that he was *touching my friend's thigh and going up to her vagina, ready to have sex* of course, we had know idea what was going on. seriously, we were only twelve years old, and we couldn't get through our heads that guy's actually had a penis. then, of course, i was curious after i had gotten home. i signed on the internet, searched google to find the chat room i was in with my friend, and started talking.

now, three years later, i look back and think that i was such an idiot back then. if i could change one thing about my life, i would change that i never talked to internet guys again. with me saying that, it does mean a lot. because i hate the way i look. but i can deal with it. i hate the way i act. but i can deal with it. and i hate how i am treated sometimes. but i can deal with it. what i CANNOT deal with, is knowing that the reason why i have been upset for the past 3 years is because i was stupid, and learned the wrong way about sex.

in the beginning, i guess you can call me an internet whore. i jumped around from many different guys, learning new things, and becoming attached to them, right when they would leave and say goodbye. i was becoming addicted to finding a guy out there who i could say was mine. i wanted to know that they liked me, and that they approved of me.

and now, i remember a good couple of guys that i had talked to.

the first guy that i actually remember was takis. yes, a weird name for american's, but he was sixteen years old, and from greece. he was very sweet and nice and had described to me that if he ever came to america, he would want to take me on a horse drawn carriage ride in the streets of new york city, in the winter when it was lightly snowing, so then we could kiss and hold each other. but after 3 days, he decided that it was not good for me to talk to him, because i was 12, and he was 16, and it would have not been a good idea for me to get attached.

after takis, i felt alone. my parents were completely absorbed in my brother, who was doing football, basketball, karate, dirt bike racing, and baseball. they had no time for me and my silly ways. so i became more absorbed into finding someone to talk to. no, my friends weren't good enough. they didn't know how to make me feel special. all i wanted was to feel special.

the next guy who i remember, was very interesting. i don't know how exactly i managed to talk to him, because i KNEW it was wrong, worse then other ones, but sadly, i still continued to talk to him for about a week. the first question he asked me was "what is your name?" the second was "how old are you?" and the third was "are you okay with me being 50 years old?" now, you are saying to yourself, that i am the stupidest person alive. that no one in the right mind, would want to be with a guy, 38 years older then them. but, i was desperate. my desire for someone to love me, was very strong. so, we talked. and talked. and then thats when it got dirty. no, i will inform you now, no pictures were sent. but i do remember, that was the first time i have ever understood why guys would tell me that i "turned them on" because, he turned me on. i am very ashamed of that. and i wish it didn't happen. i wish it wasn't true. but sadly, it was. all week, we talked, and then, all of a sudden, he wouldn't go back into the chat room. i learned and recognized a new word that week. and the word was, used. i was used. and it hurt like hell.


i will continue soon.