i know i have hurt you. i know i am hurting you now. my phone is turned off, so i won't receive your calls. your texts will have to wait until i want to see them, and you cant come in contact with my brother.

i don't try to hurt you though, if you could understand.
i don't even understand why i am hurt.
you only stayed after school, to do homework.
but you lied to me. you told me it was for something else.
you have cheated on me with other girls when you have stayed after.
and you know how important the seven minute bus ride to my house is for me.

but i don't understand, why am i so hurt by all of this? why does it bother me so much. i mean you have cheated on me five times, five too many times. it has come to the point where i even expect it to happen. i dare for you to go fuck around with some other pretty girl, i may even just have to pay you twenty bucks to prove my theories.
i admit, my trust issues have caused us both so much pain in the past year. i know that you do not deserve it, and at times i do not think i deserve it either. all i want is for us to be happy. sounding selfish right now, but i don't care, i want to be happy. i want to be happy with my life, and i cannot seem to find it. i cannot get in my place and state of mind where happiness just floods through me. i want that. i want that more then i have ever wanted anything. i want to feel decent. i want to actually believe myself when i tell other people that i am happy, or that i feel fine. i want to know that im not lying, or that i may even be lying.

i come into school with a smile on my face. i laugh and joke around with my friends, and i hug and kiss him until he is late for gym class. i listen to my teachers, i pay attention and do my work, and get decent grades. but when i come home or when i find out that something is out of place in this world i am living in, i freak. i EXPLODE. i cant handle it. my mind isn't capable of handling it.

i cant leave anyone. i feel as if i leave someone, i cant get them back. if someone leaves me, i could probably handle that better. i would know that it was not my choice, that i wasn't hurting myself once again. why do i continue to over analyze myself though? i am not some master who will magically find an answer to these problems that i have been trying to figure out. compared to other people, i don't have any problems. i am just a bitchy bratty teenager, and at the moment that is all i will be for a long while.

so, i think this is how life could seem sometimes. i don't feel comfortable in my own skin, so i hide myself behind anything i possibly can. i wear baggy clothes, i put makeup on, and i have the bangs that hide have my face. i feel guilty because i don't think people should have to look at my ugly self. yes of course sometimes, and i mean SOMETIMES, i feel pretty. its those times where i THINK i look skinny, or that i THINK i may actually attract someone. but no, of course the second time i look around in the mirror, my whole perspective changes and i remember to remind myself that i look like shit.
another thing that has been a problem for me that i constantly look into mirrors. i promise you that i am not conceited. i mostly look at myself if i have to fix something. i have gym second period and of course in the locker room there is a big mirror that you can only see your face in. where my friends lockers and mine are, we pass the mirror everyday. all four of us walk past it and look into the mirror. one of my friends complains about her hair. the other one complains about how skinny her face looks. another one complains about her makeup. i just walk past and make a funny face to make the rest of them laugh. deep inside though, im yelling at myself to fix how i look. my bangs are too long, my hair looks like shit, my eye liner is smudged, i have to learn how to put eye shadow on, my neck looks red, i have too much acne, and the list can go on and on.
ever since 5th grade i have been always considered about how i look. i weighed 110 pounds then, and probably weighed more then all the boys in my class. i got my period that year, and i had boobs. but i still felt awkward and weird. ever since then though, i have had a constant fear of people not liking me because of what i looked like.

this excites me more then words can describe :P

well yeah, so my boyfriend smokes weed. and he relapses over and over again. and he is in rehab, making friends. oh joy, more druggie friends for him. god dammit. i mean its not like he ignored me for eight hours while i was at the stupid fucking thanksgiving party yesterday, when he was getting high! OH NO. he would NEVER do that to me. or, ya know, cheat on me five times with FIVE DIFFERENT GIRLS. never, ever, ever, would he do that to me :D

so i may just be the fucked up child, but i do have my opinions.

i am sorry for not kissing you soon enough.
i am sorry for you finding out about my cousin.
i am sorry for you having to cheat on me.
i am sorry for making you feel guilty.
i am sorry for pmsing.
i am sorry not always telling you things.
i am sorry for not liking you doing drugs or drinking.
i am sorry for being friends with lizz.
i am sorry for freaking out when you would try to do things with me.
i am sorry for not being the skinniest or sexiest girl you know.
i am sorry for getting mad that you talk to holly.
i am sorry for making you want to kill yourself.
i am sorry for not wanting sex with you.
i am sorry for eating to much, too little, or throwing it up.
i am sorry for cutting when i am nervous.
i am sorry for ignoring you.
i am sorry that i worry about you.
i am sorry about everything with brian.
i am sorry for you ever having to meet me.
i am sorry for going through your phone.
i am sorry for not giving you a blow job.
i am sorry for everything i do wrong or makes you upset.
i will never forgive myself and i wish you had never had to meet me.