i know i have hurt you. i know i am hurting you now. my phone is turned off, so i won't receive your calls. your texts will have to wait until i want to see them, and you cant come in contact with my brother.

i don't try to hurt you though, if you could understand.
i don't even understand why i am hurt.
you only stayed after school, to do homework.
but you lied to me. you told me it was for something else.
you have cheated on me with other girls when you have stayed after.
and you know how important the seven minute bus ride to my house is for me.

but i don't understand, why am i so hurt by all of this? why does it bother me so much. i mean you have cheated on me five times, five too many times. it has come to the point where i even expect it to happen. i dare for you to go fuck around with some other pretty girl, i may even just have to pay you twenty bucks to prove my theories.
i admit, my trust issues have caused us both so much pain in the past year. i know that you do not deserve it, and at times i do not think i deserve it either. all i want is for us to be happy. sounding selfish right now, but i don't care, i want to be happy. i want to be happy with my life, and i cannot seem to find it. i cannot get in my place and state of mind where happiness just floods through me. i want that. i want that more then i have ever wanted anything. i want to feel decent. i want to actually believe myself when i tell other people that i am happy, or that i feel fine. i want to know that im not lying, or that i may even be lying.

i come into school with a smile on my face. i laugh and joke around with my friends, and i hug and kiss him until he is late for gym class. i listen to my teachers, i pay attention and do my work, and get decent grades. but when i come home or when i find out that something is out of place in this world i am living in, i freak. i EXPLODE. i cant handle it. my mind isn't capable of handling it.

i cant leave anyone. i feel as if i leave someone, i cant get them back. if someone leaves me, i could probably handle that better. i would know that it was not my choice, that i wasn't hurting myself once again. why do i continue to over analyze myself though? i am not some master who will magically find an answer to these problems that i have been trying to figure out. compared to other people, i don't have any problems. i am just a bitchy bratty teenager, and at the moment that is all i will be for a long while.