Thursday, June 17, 2010
Saturday, June 12, 2010
Monday, June 7, 2010
Since I don't really have anyone to complain to, I come here and do it now.
I used to be able to complain to Mike, and then now I can't.
And then I used to be able to complain to a couple of online friends, but they left.
I just don't really know what to do with myself anymore.
Basically, I feel disgusting. Every single part of me feels disgusting. I can't go in the shower and start washing my body or my hair without wanted to bang my head against the wall and die in there. I sat up at four in the morning on saturday going through my closet trying to find any old razor blades I had. Of course I knew that I wasn't going to find any. And even though I realized that the noise in the box at two in the morning was just from a necklace my grandmother had gotten me, all night I kept reopening the lid hoping that it might magically turn into something I could use. What a pathetic, disgusting, worthless person I am.
It's funny how even after almost three months of leaving the relationship, I'm still practically hooked with how everything used to be. I think I do this to myself, I don't let myself actually enjoy life anymore, and I complain about him, blaming him on everything, when really I was one of the main problems as to why the relationship didn't work. It went like this.
1) he cheated on me before i kissed him
2) when i did kiss him, it was a month.
3) i found out he did drugs, and then he told me he cheated.
4) i never let him live it down.
5) i complained.
6) i never did anything sexual to him until the last couple of months.
7) i lectured him about drugs and drinking.
8) he cheated on me more because i was being such a bitch to him.
9) i was so paranoid i barely let him see other girls.
Yes, I do think that I have my reasons, but those reasons aren't good enough. They shouldn't be allowed to be good enough because I practically forced him out of my life. He always kept finding other girls, and to make a point out of it, prettier, skinnier girls than I. He always complimented me when I was losing weight over the summer. Even when he found out how I was doing it, he never stopped me. He sometimes expressed how he felt the last two months, but if I did it, he would just shrug it off. I never mean any harm to someone, but for him to not care about that, it really shows how horrible he felt about me.
I used to be able to complain to Mike, and then now I can't.
And then I used to be able to complain to a couple of online friends, but they left.
I just don't really know what to do with myself anymore.
Basically, I feel disgusting. Every single part of me feels disgusting. I can't go in the shower and start washing my body or my hair without wanted to bang my head against the wall and die in there. I sat up at four in the morning on saturday going through my closet trying to find any old razor blades I had. Of course I knew that I wasn't going to find any. And even though I realized that the noise in the box at two in the morning was just from a necklace my grandmother had gotten me, all night I kept reopening the lid hoping that it might magically turn into something I could use. What a pathetic, disgusting, worthless person I am.
It's funny how even after almost three months of leaving the relationship, I'm still practically hooked with how everything used to be. I think I do this to myself, I don't let myself actually enjoy life anymore, and I complain about him, blaming him on everything, when really I was one of the main problems as to why the relationship didn't work. It went like this.
1) he cheated on me before i kissed him
2) when i did kiss him, it was a month.
3) i found out he did drugs, and then he told me he cheated.
4) i never let him live it down.
5) i complained.
6) i never did anything sexual to him until the last couple of months.
7) i lectured him about drugs and drinking.
8) he cheated on me more because i was being such a bitch to him.
9) i was so paranoid i barely let him see other girls.
Yes, I do think that I have my reasons, but those reasons aren't good enough. They shouldn't be allowed to be good enough because I practically forced him out of my life. He always kept finding other girls, and to make a point out of it, prettier, skinnier girls than I. He always complimented me when I was losing weight over the summer. Even when he found out how I was doing it, he never stopped me. He sometimes expressed how he felt the last two months, but if I did it, he would just shrug it off. I never mean any harm to someone, but for him to not care about that, it really shows how horrible he felt about me.
Sunday, June 6, 2010
FRENCH ORAL
Dans la cuisine, Thomas est cherche les nourritures mange. Il faut pour il fait la vaisselle parce que, il veut aller au cinema avec son copains ce soir. Thomas est grand. Il est sympathique et timide. Quand il va au cinema, il aime regarder les films d'aventures. Il va au cinema trois fois par mois. Il ne travaille pas, il a assez d'argent.
Son père et son mère est dans le salon. Aussi, son chien est dort. Dans le salon, son mère est lit un magazine. Son père est regarde la télé.
Dans le chambre de Thomas, il y a une guitare sur son lit. Il aime le guitare. Aussi, il joue le foot. Son mère veut il range son chambre.
Il a une frère et une soeur. Son frère est deux ans et son soeur est dix ans, Elle s'appelle Rachel. Elle aime écoute la musique. Elle musique favori est rock. Elle porte une robe.
Son père et son mère est dans le salon. Aussi, son chien est dort. Dans le salon, son mère est lit un magazine. Son père est regarde la télé.
Dans le chambre de Thomas, il y a une guitare sur son lit. Il aime le guitare. Aussi, il joue le foot. Son mère veut il range son chambre.
Il a une frère et une soeur. Son frère est deux ans et son soeur est dix ans, Elle s'appelle Rachel. Elle aime écoute la musique. Elle musique favori est rock. Elle porte une robe.
Thursday, June 3, 2010
This week has been really stupid for me. On May 31st I thought I would finally get into my mood that I usually do each summer.
You lose weight, and fast.
It doesn't matter how you do it either.
And that is basically what I tell myself. Even if I will be lying there between my thirty minute breaks going "this will never help me" I still get up and work my ass off.
So anyway, Monday was alright. I managed to eat about 1,000 calories and I worked off 600 of it. I think that is pathetic because I wanted to actually work off a thousand, but I guess pathetic things should be given to pathetic people.
Actually Tuesday did help me very well. I had to run the mile in gym, so overall I worked off 700 calories and ate about 2,000. I ate too much I know, but I can't help myself. Once I start eating, I really can't stop.
Wednesday was amazing though. I had this assembly/trip and I had to miss Lunch for it. That would probably be the best thing possible for me. You want to know why? Because then I CAN'T eat, I don't have a choice. If I could choose whether or not I ate or not, I would choose I can't and then be done with it. So, that day I ate 700 calories, and burned off 200.
And now, today is Thursday and everything was horrible. Of course they have cheese steak for lunch, of course my friend convinces me to go in line and get one, of course I don't want to work out, and of course my mother makes tacos. I really wish I could just die right now. I feel horrible, I am horrible. I really don't deserve this food, it is too good for me.
You lose weight, and fast.
It doesn't matter how you do it either.
And that is basically what I tell myself. Even if I will be lying there between my thirty minute breaks going "this will never help me" I still get up and work my ass off.
So anyway, Monday was alright. I managed to eat about 1,000 calories and I worked off 600 of it. I think that is pathetic because I wanted to actually work off a thousand, but I guess pathetic things should be given to pathetic people.
Actually Tuesday did help me very well. I had to run the mile in gym, so overall I worked off 700 calories and ate about 2,000. I ate too much I know, but I can't help myself. Once I start eating, I really can't stop.
Wednesday was amazing though. I had this assembly/trip and I had to miss Lunch for it. That would probably be the best thing possible for me. You want to know why? Because then I CAN'T eat, I don't have a choice. If I could choose whether or not I ate or not, I would choose I can't and then be done with it. So, that day I ate 700 calories, and burned off 200.
And now, today is Thursday and everything was horrible. Of course they have cheese steak for lunch, of course my friend convinces me to go in line and get one, of course I don't want to work out, and of course my mother makes tacos. I really wish I could just die right now. I feel horrible, I am horrible. I really don't deserve this food, it is too good for me.
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