Since I don't really have anyone to complain to, I come here and do it now.

I used to be able to complain to Mike, and then now I can't.

And then I used to be able to complain to a couple of online friends, but they left.

I just don't really know what to do with myself anymore.

Basically, I feel disgusting. Every single part of me feels disgusting. I can't go in the shower and start washing my body or my hair without wanted to bang my head against the wall and die in there. I sat up at four in the morning on saturday going through my closet trying to find any old razor blades I had. Of course I knew that I wasn't going to find any. And even though I realized that the noise in the box at two in the morning was just from a necklace my grandmother had gotten me, all night I kept reopening the lid hoping that it might magically turn into something I could use. What a pathetic, disgusting, worthless person I am.

It's funny how even after almost three months of leaving the relationship, I'm still practically hooked with how everything used to be. I think I do this to myself, I don't let myself actually enjoy life anymore, and I complain about him, blaming him on everything, when really I was one of the main problems as to why the relationship didn't work. It went like this.

1) he cheated on me before i kissed him
2) when i did kiss him, it was a month.
3) i found out he did drugs, and then he told me he cheated.
4) i never let him live it down.
5) i complained.
6) i never did anything sexual to him until the last couple of months.
7) i lectured him about drugs and drinking.
8) he cheated on me more because i was being such a bitch to him.
9) i was so paranoid i barely let him see other girls.

Yes, I do think that I have my reasons, but those reasons aren't good enough. They shouldn't be allowed to be good enough because I practically forced him out of my life. He always kept finding other girls, and to make a point out of it, prettier, skinnier girls than I. He always complimented me when I was losing weight over the summer. Even when he found out how I was doing it, he never stopped me. He sometimes expressed how he felt the last two months, but if I did it, he would just shrug it off. I never mean any harm to someone, but for him to not care about that, it really shows how horrible he felt about me.