they play head games with me. well, at least people tell me they do. they will tell me this, and then take it back. then give it to me again, but then take it back. time after time i sit and wonder how much longer it will go on, and whether or not i should just give up and give in. sit there and not care what happens, let it happen without a fight. let everything happen. give in to what makes me feel better at that exact moment instead of do what is right for me in the long run. i will sit there, and do something stupid. get yelled at, make mistakes, but will continue with it. it will be my little secret, for only a little time until someone see's what is really going on.

NO. I DON'T CARE. you do NOT tell a teenage girl her ass is big, and her thighs are wide!
and then! DON'T add "but i still love you"

fuck you.

things have become pretty pointless to me now.

i was watching this video on youtube about someone explaining how you are the only person who is going to stay with your through everything. they will be there when you are born, when you die, and everything in between. i can understand that, people come and go. but what i can't understand is how to love myself. i don't hate myself, really i don't. i would just rather change. i want to lose weight. not because of other people, but because i don't feel comfortable in my own skin. i have to hug my waist when i am sitting down just to know that i am okay. i hate my hair. i want it to be silky and smooth. i want to be able to go up to someone, and feel comfortable talking to them. i do not care that they may not be with me all of my life, i just want to feel comfortable and good at that moment.

i am good at getting convinced that everything will get better. so for now, i am still with michael.
recently however i have become more fond of my friend thomas. he has managed to talk to me every day, and i am realizing that maybe this boy might care for me, just a little bit. i don't think i deserve this care though. i only wish to be talked to, to know that someone loves me. the only problem with this is that i am told over and over, that its not how people work. they only want you for one thing, and one thing only. the pleasure for their own self. even now, i am using this blog to type up my thoughts because i need to talk about it, and because the typing on the new laptop feels good.
sometimes i wonder if i died, if i would ever be missed, or ever become important. i know my youtube videos are not that good, but haven't you noticed that if people know something that goes on, they somewhat pity you. they will talk to you, and care for you, whether it be real or fake. that is the problem with my dear friend thomas. him knowing things, i think he finds it a job to talk to me and make me feel better. that is not what i want. i want someone who will talk to me, not because they feel bad, but because they want to. i know i am boring, and i cannot seem to stop it, but i at least wish i wasn't boring to one person.