we manage to fight everyday now. every single day. he tells me he will come over tuesday. he doesn't. then he tells me he will come over wednesday. and he doesn't. finally he tells me he will come over today, and he doesn't. to top it all off he has rehab three times a week, which leaves me three hours alone, everyday. he goes to sleep early, wakes up late, and then chooses to ignore me half the time when he really can talk.
i mean, i know i shouldn't complain about the rehab, because for most people it works out just fine. the only problem is that michael isn't like most people. he isn't taking the opportunity to get better. he uses it to make more friends. the only problem with these friends is that they are addicted to all sorts of drugs. does he really think befriending them is a great idea at this point?
i honestly have no idea what to do anymore. our relationship has turned to pure shit. and since november, i have been hoping that things will get better. each time something happened, all i wanted was to say to myself "he will change. he will get better and learn not to do this kind of stuff" but of course, he doesn't. besides, he is a fifteen year old teenage boy. he has his hormones, and he will do anything he has to do to satisfy himself. if that means cheating on me, trying to overdose and then blaming it all on me for not getting sexual pleasure from me, then so be it.
i dont think i can even manage to stay on the phone with him for longer then five minutes without getting irritated. he blames his personality on the drugs, saying it stopped his emotional changing period when he was twelve. bullshit. fucking bullshit.
and then he cheats on me. ally, deven, holly, becka, and krystal.
they all make me feel wonderful.

I've been beaten down, I've been kicked around,
But she takes it all for me.
And I lost my faith, in my darkest days,
But she makes me want to believe.

They call her love, love, love, love, love. (x2)
She is love, and she is all I need.
She's all I need.

Well I had my ways, they were all in vain,
And she waited patiently.
It was all the same, all my pride and shame,
And she put me on my feet.

They call her love, love, love, love, love. (x3)
She is love, and she is all I need. (x3)

too bad you don't know where i am, what i am doing, and what is going on around me. you may know how i feel, what i am wearing, and what i did today. of course, that may just possibly be a given.
"i hate you"
"i hate you"
"i hate you"
"i hate you"
thank you. i appreciate it. i am sorry. i didn't know being like this would cause you so much pain. you can't be jealous though. i am expected to keep it all together, to achieve more then what i have already achieved. if i fail them, there are consequences. people who if you disappoint, can banish you from the earth and let you decay and die on some other universe. you on the other hand, don't understand that. you see what goes on, you know what goes on, and you don't understand. why can't you just get me out of here? i love you so much, but why can't you just do something about it.

RANDOM PERFECT COUPLE:

Boyfriend: Hey baby, you feeling better?
Me: Hey, not really…
Boyfriend: I guess I’m probably not going to be able to come over anymore today.
Me: Well, I don’t want you to get sick… I feel awful, and look awful… and if you come over you’ll – 1. See me, and 2. Get sick.
Boyfriend: Babe, I hate to tell you but you could never look awful. You’re gorgeous. If went blind today, the one thing I’d miss is seeing your face every day. I love you… You look gorgeous, even with no makeup on, your hair up in a twisty thingy, whatever you call them, and in pajamas or sweatpants, and of course, with my hoodie on. And, I’d rather be sick as a dog, then not be able to see you.
Me: Awhhh(: I love you. And the twisty thing is a bun. :D
Boyfriend: I love you too. Go to sleep, you need your rest. I’ll call you tonight.

*not me*

i want that. so fucking bad.

face up to the facts.

my mother is someone who i thought i could impress. no, not yet. she thinks i drink, and knows i cut, deep. the sad part is that she didn't take away the razors. all thirteen of them. i wanted her to take them away.

my boyfriend likes to use me for sex. his excuse for cheating on me is that he doesn't get enough of it. im sorry if i cant let myself give you a blow job.

my friend doesn't like me because i don't drink or smoke. im shy, and she wants someone who has power. she finds a bitch and a gay guy. there now a threesome.

i don't have any real true friends. no one knows everything about me.
they all know bits and pieces. and i have to watch what i say to some people.
i think i told them something, when i really didn't.

all i wanted was to burn the place to the ground.

i thought i told you, i'm a star.

Dear Asshole,

Don't do this to me. I can't take it. I can't just learn to begin to trust someone, and then find out they leave. My life is not fucking bullshit. Don't tell me that it is, because I don't believe you. I can live my life the way I want it, and if you have a problem with it, then YOU come here and fix it, because I don't have to if I don't think its possible or if I don't want to.

I don't need someone to look beautiful. I want someone who will love me. Not someone who will be conceited about themselves. I am sorry for upsetting you, putting you through my bullshit.

From Bitch.

(NEW PERSON)

Dear Travis,

And now, Travis, I wish I was still talking to you. You always seemed to make me feel better, or at least got me mad to think straight. Sometimes I think that you actually did care about me, which did feel amazing at the time. I miss you, you know? I do agree, not talking to you probably did help a little, but it still would have been nice for you to tell me one last time that my hair is gross :P

From Kait.

Dear Stomach,
have i ever told you how much i hated you? because i really do. why can you not just shrink down and be flat? why can't you just help me lose that weight i have oh so magically put on?

He walks into my room once more.
I wonder if I could get out the door.
Could I run away from him?
Would his reflexes be so dim?
I pretend that I am asleep.
He stands beside me as I weep.
He tells me to relax and in him trust.
These things he does to me he must.
Why, I do not know.
But he says it is so.
I wish to fight, I wish to hide.
I cringe and cry inside.
I wish to run, I wish to yell,
As, on my bed, he fell.
Could he find me if I hid?
Can’t he see I’m just a kid?
I’d try to run away,
With fear I would sway.
He’d find me, no matter where I’d gone.
This game goes on until dawn.
Finally, at dawn’s first light,
The memory fades into the night.
I am happy when my eyes open,
But at night it will always begin again.
As I run through the house,
I feel, vaguely, like a mouse.
He calls my name,
Always wanting to play the game.
The vicious cycle begins again.
Oh, will it ever end?
I am crying as I run.
Will he ever be done?
In a mirror, I see my eyes.
They’re wide, fearful, full of surprise.
Again, at dawn, he’s gone again.
When will it end?
At school, I see you.
But, in my mind, I see him, too.
Even you, I’m afraid to trust.
Because of him, all I saw was lust.
When you walked past,
I knew my life would be changing fast.
Every day I think of you.
I ignored what I knew to be true.
I can’t get you out of my head,
No matter what I’ve said.
I think of you all night.
Halting the memories until first light.
During the day, you I always see.
Without you, where would I be?
I am scared to see where I would have gone,
Waiting for safety at dawn.
Could you see that I was scared,
Every day when you saw how I fared?
Do you understand why, from you, I run?
I keep telling you that I am done.
That’s not what I really want from you.
I’m afraid to ask, not knowing what to do.
I don’t know what I need,
I wish I were up to speed.
I ask from you too much,
I even miss your touch.
I don’t know what you want from me.
I wish you’d say it bluntly.
At night you would keep me feeling fine.
You always kept me entwined.
Entranced was I with your every word.
Weird feelings in me you stirred.
I couldn’t figure out what it meant.
Every conversation left me spent.
But why is it that way?
Do I have any say?
Can I erase what I feel,
As easily as yours you had to seal?
Is it true?
Could I really be in love with you?
I can’t stand the suspense.
I can’t keep my feelings in a fence.
I’m feeling like I’m on a tether.
I feel as light, as fragile, as a feather.
What, from you, can I keep?
Feelings from me always seem to seep.
I wish I could stay here,
But I must leave, out of fear.
I don’t want to fall deeper in love.
I want to stay in the sky high above.
I want to stay aloof like I used to.
How can I do that like I used to do?
You I will dearly miss.
With you, I am in bliss.
Then I see you again.
I wish these feelings would finally end.
The nightmares are finally gone,
Not held back by the thought of dawn,
But these feelings I can’t kill,
I wish I could do that still.
What has happened to me to make this hard?
Why can’t I keep these feelings barred?
So until I can do better,
I must keep my feelings in a fetter.
I need to say goodbye,
For many reasons before I lie.
The nightmares have left me alone.
At night, I don’t have to turn, toss, and moan.
So here I am, saying goodbye to you.
Before I have to admit what is true.
Don’t try to make me see,
And, as I will it, so mote it be.
What did you think?

the stupid smile on your face, it is fake.
so get the fuck over yourself.
kay? good.

My name is Chris, I am three,
My eyes are swollen, I cannot see,
I must be stupid, I must be bad,
What else could have made, My daddy so mad?
I wish I were better, I wish I weren't ugly,
Then maybe my mommy, Would still want to hug me.
I can't do a wrong, I can't speak at all
Or else im locked up, All day long.
When im awake im all alone
The house is dark, My folks aren't home
When my mommy does come home
I'll try and be nice,, So maybe i'll just get
One whipping tonight., I just heard a car
My daddy is back, From Charlie's bar.
I hear him curse, My name is called
I press myself, Against the wall
I try to hide, From his evil eyes
He finds me weeping, Calls me ugly words,
He says its my fault, He suffers at work.
He slaps and hits me, And yells at me more,
I finally get free, And run to the door
He's already locked it, And i start to bawl,
He takes me and throws me, Against the hard wall
I fall to the floor, With my bones nearly broken,
And my daddy continues, With more bad words spoken,
"I'm sorry!", I scream, But its now much to late
His face has been twisted, Into a unimaginable shape
The hurt and the pain, Again and again
O please God, have mercy!, O please let it end!
And he finally stops, And heads for the door
While i lay there motionless, Brawled on the floor
My name is chris. I am three,
Tonight my daddy, Murdered me

Dear Kait,
calm down, you don't need this right now.
From Kait.

high school. teenage girls. drama. and threats. that is what i live for. i wake up, and do that every day. it was never a he said she said thing. it was the "i can't wait till SHE dies" "i cant wait till her parents find HER on the side of the road" kind of thing. and of course, since i sit right across from that girl in lunch, it kind of shows that she still cannot tell me anything to my face.
but it doesn't matter. high school drama, eh? i can learn to deal with it.
sadly i didn't even do anything to start it. and i don't understand why she manages to be such a bitch. we were all fine without her, so why the hell did she have to move back.

i know i have hurt you. i know i am hurting you now. my phone is turned off, so i won't receive your calls. your texts will have to wait until i want to see them, and you cant come in contact with my brother.

i don't try to hurt you though, if you could understand.
i don't even understand why i am hurt.
you only stayed after school, to do homework.
but you lied to me. you told me it was for something else.
you have cheated on me with other girls when you have stayed after.
and you know how important the seven minute bus ride to my house is for me.

but i don't understand, why am i so hurt by all of this? why does it bother me so much. i mean you have cheated on me five times, five too many times. it has come to the point where i even expect it to happen. i dare for you to go fuck around with some other pretty girl, i may even just have to pay you twenty bucks to prove my theories.
i admit, my trust issues have caused us both so much pain in the past year. i know that you do not deserve it, and at times i do not think i deserve it either. all i want is for us to be happy. sounding selfish right now, but i don't care, i want to be happy. i want to be happy with my life, and i cannot seem to find it. i cannot get in my place and state of mind where happiness just floods through me. i want that. i want that more then i have ever wanted anything. i want to feel decent. i want to actually believe myself when i tell other people that i am happy, or that i feel fine. i want to know that im not lying, or that i may even be lying.

i come into school with a smile on my face. i laugh and joke around with my friends, and i hug and kiss him until he is late for gym class. i listen to my teachers, i pay attention and do my work, and get decent grades. but when i come home or when i find out that something is out of place in this world i am living in, i freak. i EXPLODE. i cant handle it. my mind isn't capable of handling it.

i cant leave anyone. i feel as if i leave someone, i cant get them back. if someone leaves me, i could probably handle that better. i would know that it was not my choice, that i wasn't hurting myself once again. why do i continue to over analyze myself though? i am not some master who will magically find an answer to these problems that i have been trying to figure out. compared to other people, i don't have any problems. i am just a bitchy bratty teenager, and at the moment that is all i will be for a long while.

so, i think this is how life could seem sometimes. i don't feel comfortable in my own skin, so i hide myself behind anything i possibly can. i wear baggy clothes, i put makeup on, and i have the bangs that hide have my face. i feel guilty because i don't think people should have to look at my ugly self. yes of course sometimes, and i mean SOMETIMES, i feel pretty. its those times where i THINK i look skinny, or that i THINK i may actually attract someone. but no, of course the second time i look around in the mirror, my whole perspective changes and i remember to remind myself that i look like shit.
another thing that has been a problem for me that i constantly look into mirrors. i promise you that i am not conceited. i mostly look at myself if i have to fix something. i have gym second period and of course in the locker room there is a big mirror that you can only see your face in. where my friends lockers and mine are, we pass the mirror everyday. all four of us walk past it and look into the mirror. one of my friends complains about her hair. the other one complains about how skinny her face looks. another one complains about her makeup. i just walk past and make a funny face to make the rest of them laugh. deep inside though, im yelling at myself to fix how i look. my bangs are too long, my hair looks like shit, my eye liner is smudged, i have to learn how to put eye shadow on, my neck looks red, i have too much acne, and the list can go on and on.
ever since 5th grade i have been always considered about how i look. i weighed 110 pounds then, and probably weighed more then all the boys in my class. i got my period that year, and i had boobs. but i still felt awkward and weird. ever since then though, i have had a constant fear of people not liking me because of what i looked like.

this excites me more then words can describe :P

well yeah, so my boyfriend smokes weed. and he relapses over and over again. and he is in rehab, making friends. oh joy, more druggie friends for him. god dammit. i mean its not like he ignored me for eight hours while i was at the stupid fucking thanksgiving party yesterday, when he was getting high! OH NO. he would NEVER do that to me. or, ya know, cheat on me five times with FIVE DIFFERENT GIRLS. never, ever, ever, would he do that to me :D

so i may just be the fucked up child, but i do have my opinions.

i am sorry for not kissing you soon enough.
i am sorry for you finding out about my cousin.
i am sorry for you having to cheat on me.
i am sorry for making you feel guilty.
i am sorry for pmsing.
i am sorry not always telling you things.
i am sorry for not liking you doing drugs or drinking.
i am sorry for being friends with lizz.
i am sorry for freaking out when you would try to do things with me.
i am sorry for not being the skinniest or sexiest girl you know.
i am sorry for getting mad that you talk to holly.
i am sorry for making you want to kill yourself.
i am sorry for not wanting sex with you.
i am sorry for eating to much, too little, or throwing it up.
i am sorry for cutting when i am nervous.
i am sorry for ignoring you.
i am sorry that i worry about you.
i am sorry about everything with brian.
i am sorry for you ever having to meet me.
i am sorry for going through your phone.
i am sorry for not giving you a blow job.
i am sorry for everything i do wrong or makes you upset.
i will never forgive myself and i wish you had never had to meet me.

She said that she wanted to get high.

He took her to the tallest hill in town.

She said that she wanted to stay up all night and drink.

He gave her a 12 pack of caffeinated Pepsi and said, "Drink up."

She said that she wanted to shoot herself in the face.

He gave her a water gun, put her finger on the trigger,
aimed it at her face, and helped her pull the trigger.

She said that she wanted to cut herself.

He took a picture of her, handed it to her along
with scissors, and had her cut it up.

She said that she wanted to see her blood.

He took her to get her ears pierced.

She said that she wanted to cry herself to sleep.

He had her watch a sad, romantic movie before bed.

She said that she wanted to be alone.

He gave her a name tag that said "My Name Is: Alone."

She said that she wanted to have someone there to take
care of her, always.

He asked when he wasn't

sometimes, i do believe that i am a whore. not because of what i wear or how i act, but what i think about. no no, i am not always aroused, heck i don't think i ever am. no, its what has happened, what is going on now, and what will continue to happen. i grew up, not wanting to know about sex, and yet, guess who seems to find it? me.
i agree, i was not introduced to it well. and i should have been able to stop it.
my thoughts have left me now.
goodbye.

i am tired of trying to be perfect for you.

No one ever said that life was fair
And I'm not saying that it should be
So knowing that you are where you want to be
And I'm not comes as no surprise
But don't expect me to be happy for you
And don't smile at me and tell me
Things will work out for me too
I don't want your pity
I HATE YOUR PITY

i am becoming completely dissatisfied with humans right now. yes, i am dissatisfied at MYSELF and every other human in this world. nothing seems to come easy anymore. and the only thing that our generation thinks is about themselves. even right now, i am thinking about myself, not putting other peoples opinion into observation. i am soon going to rant about a topic with which no one will read. the reason why no one will read this? because i am nothing. yes, i may be a human, but how many other humans are there? millions!

at the moment i am noticing that when we want something, we will do anything for it. it comes to the point were some people will kill for it, but most of us are not put into that situation. on the other hand though, people will ignore others' feelings. they won't even notice that it is not right to do something like that because they are so into the moment, that they only thing they see is what they want, and then trying to get around whatever is stopping them.

I'm trying to tell myself that i am not depressed, i really don't think i am not. except sometimes, in the back of my head, i still think it is slightly possible. but of course i am not going to admit that to anyone, because if i did, then there would be more chaos in this world, and we really don't need that. on the other hand though, something is happening. something strange that does not make me feel on the same level as everyone else.

of course though, since i am one single human compared to millions of others....it doesn't matter what happens to me.

old times.

roses are red
violets are blue
sugar is sweet
and so are you
but the roses are wilting
the violets are dead
the sugar bowl is empty
and my wrists are stained red

i found that interesting.
yet, i do not cut anymore.
still interesting though.

august 30th, say what?

today, is a day where i can not get down on myself. hence, why i am not continuing on my last post today, but i will on another day.
honestly, i do not feel happy anymore. even my dad asked if i was "depressed" and boy, i never knew he even noticed that kind of stuff, let alone he notice anything about me.
i mean, before i made cupcakes right? i was getting them out of the oven, and all of a sudden i notice that my upper arm gets burned by the pan. and it hurt. it hurt like a bitch. and then, thirty minutes later, i sit there and realize, "that felt nice." because, i can control it.
all day i have been thinking about cutting again. i mean, i stole a razor from my mom, all i would have to do would be to get the blades out. and if i didn't do that, i HAVE blades on my nightstand that i could use. yes i know, they are not as sharp, but still they are better then nothing.
i don't know whats wrong either. its a feeling that i can't describe. its like i have been in a black hole for the past week, and i cannot get out of it, no matter how much i try :/

FMGDL.

fuck my god damn life.

i really wish that someone had never invented chat rooms. because, stupid little girls, like me, will go in there and not know what they are doing. of course, i had to be another statistic, and learn the hard way. i sat with my best friend at her house, home alone, not knowing what was going on when a guy who was ten years older then we were, was describing to us that he was *touching my friend's thigh and going up to her vagina, ready to have sex* of course, we had know idea what was going on. seriously, we were only twelve years old, and we couldn't get through our heads that guy's actually had a penis. then, of course, i was curious after i had gotten home. i signed on the internet, searched google to find the chat room i was in with my friend, and started talking.

now, three years later, i look back and think that i was such an idiot back then. if i could change one thing about my life, i would change that i never talked to internet guys again. with me saying that, it does mean a lot. because i hate the way i look. but i can deal with it. i hate the way i act. but i can deal with it. and i hate how i am treated sometimes. but i can deal with it. what i CANNOT deal with, is knowing that the reason why i have been upset for the past 3 years is because i was stupid, and learned the wrong way about sex.

in the beginning, i guess you can call me an internet whore. i jumped around from many different guys, learning new things, and becoming attached to them, right when they would leave and say goodbye. i was becoming addicted to finding a guy out there who i could say was mine. i wanted to know that they liked me, and that they approved of me.

and now, i remember a good couple of guys that i had talked to.

the first guy that i actually remember was takis. yes, a weird name for american's, but he was sixteen years old, and from greece. he was very sweet and nice and had described to me that if he ever came to america, he would want to take me on a horse drawn carriage ride in the streets of new york city, in the winter when it was lightly snowing, so then we could kiss and hold each other. but after 3 days, he decided that it was not good for me to talk to him, because i was 12, and he was 16, and it would have not been a good idea for me to get attached.

after takis, i felt alone. my parents were completely absorbed in my brother, who was doing football, basketball, karate, dirt bike racing, and baseball. they had no time for me and my silly ways. so i became more absorbed into finding someone to talk to. no, my friends weren't good enough. they didn't know how to make me feel special. all i wanted was to feel special.

the next guy who i remember, was very interesting. i don't know how exactly i managed to talk to him, because i KNEW it was wrong, worse then other ones, but sadly, i still continued to talk to him for about a week. the first question he asked me was "what is your name?" the second was "how old are you?" and the third was "are you okay with me being 50 years old?" now, you are saying to yourself, that i am the stupidest person alive. that no one in the right mind, would want to be with a guy, 38 years older then them. but, i was desperate. my desire for someone to love me, was very strong. so, we talked. and talked. and then thats when it got dirty. no, i will inform you now, no pictures were sent. but i do remember, that was the first time i have ever understood why guys would tell me that i "turned them on" because, he turned me on. i am very ashamed of that. and i wish it didn't happen. i wish it wasn't true. but sadly, it was. all week, we talked, and then, all of a sudden, he wouldn't go back into the chat room. i learned and recognized a new word that week. and the word was, used. i was used. and it hurt like hell.


i will continue soon.

hurricane bill wanted to kill me.

BERMUDAAAAAAAAAA.

Yes, as you can tell, it has been 8 days since i have left the united states to go to the lovely land of Bermuda. well, i am back, and HOPEFULLY you have noticed that i did not die. (even though i kept telling my parents that i would when the boat would sink) luckily, the boat did not sink! and i became calmer over the week because the boat was a friggin' tank! seriously, it had 13 (or 14?) floors. so all you did if you choose to not be lazy, was walk up those god damn stairs! ALL DAY! now there are two sides of the weather that i must share. first, the weather was b-e-a-u-t-i-f-u-l every single day. i actually got a good tan. now, the bad news. A FREAKING HURRICANE WAS COMING TO KILL ME THE WHOLE TIME. yes, hurricane bill decided to scare the #%&@$ out of me, and make itself hit Bermuda. luckily, our pretend captain (hence, he did not actually drive the boat, he just planned the track/speed because the computers did the rest) made the good decision to go home early. now, if they didn't, i would have been lying on the ground screaming "I AM GOING TO DIE." the whole way there and back.

rain rain, go away!

yes, as you can tell from that lovely title, its raining. i just recently made a new video for my youtube account. its a video remix, and i am a tad bit proud, but not that much. and, i think im pretty weird. (pictures of me are stupid)

yes, i have finally started packing. a very small pile of my clothes are sitting on the dining room table. and i need to add more. i will, umm, later.

michael is at football right now. and he is texting me, waiting for it to start. he is just so cute :]

and i have run out of things to say. goodbye lovies.

diet diet diet

ugh >.< i really hate when i just sit and do nothing.

and then i complain that i need to work out.

but i don't work out what i really need, my stomach and arms.

i work out my legs.

fml.

peanut butter

I'm listening to the song party in the usa by miley cyrus. and it actually isn't that bad.
miley cyrus has really pretty hair ->
I'm kinda jealous!


this morning i woke up, and some crazy devil decided to put a curse on me today:
first, the computer crashed.
next, i don't feel like packing for the cruise i am going on in 4 days.
then, i don't want to work out.

then, a pretty little angel decides to make me feel better and:
i restored my computer.
played some ddr.

and yet, i still need to pack. i actually think i understand the reason why i haven't started packing yet. because i am afraid to go on the cruise. thinking that i might die? i am so negative.

michael, the boyfriend, is hanging out in town where he lives with his friends. well, thats just dandy! because i dearly miss him. and when he hangs out with all of his other friends, he barely texts me O.O

I'm getting pretty addicted to blogging now. its kind of fun, and i am very surprised that i like it so much.

seeeeee yaaaaaaaa.

CRUISE? WOAH!

Yes, my mother actually pulled through, and my family and I are going on a cruise.
Where are we going? Bermuda!
It is a lovely seven day cruise to Bermuda, and I must say, I am pretty darn excited.
The ship that we are going on, is..dun dun dun dun..
THE Norwegian Dawn.

Anyway, on to other news. My life has basically no point anymore. It is kind of sad. I sit around all day either spending hours on the computer, laying in bed reading, watching tv, or eating. Then, when I finally decide that this isn't right, I go work out on either the treadmill or my stationary bike I got for Christmas. Don't get me wrong, I do somewhat enjoy my long days, but it feels like I have no life :P

I am 15 years old now, and I feel like I should get a job. Everyone is getting a job these days, and I think
"Hmm, maybe I should jump on the bandwagon and get one to."
Sadly though, I do not want a job.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!

I am already thinking about college, and the applications. I want to get into a good school. Possibly major in psychology? But then it has me thinking, they are only going to accept kids who do activities, as in sports, clubs, and community service. WELL THEN! at the rate I'm going, my hobbies will include, being a couch potato.

So, with me doing nothing all day, and then having to think that I do nothing all day, then making me think that I am going to have to go out in the world to find SOMETHING to do that is productive, it gets me in a little frenzy.

I think I am going completely nuts.