School ends tomorrow. I don't really know how I feel about that though : 3

i am so tired. and i am frustrated with everything.
i am relying on the summer to feel better about everything.
but i don't think that will happen, it will probably be the exact opposite.
i'm just sick of everything. and i don't really feel like fixing it anymore.

Since I don't really have anyone to complain to, I come here and do it now.

I used to be able to complain to Mike, and then now I can't.

And then I used to be able to complain to a couple of online friends, but they left.

I just don't really know what to do with myself anymore.

Basically, I feel disgusting. Every single part of me feels disgusting. I can't go in the shower and start washing my body or my hair without wanted to bang my head against the wall and die in there. I sat up at four in the morning on saturday going through my closet trying to find any old razor blades I had. Of course I knew that I wasn't going to find any. And even though I realized that the noise in the box at two in the morning was just from a necklace my grandmother had gotten me, all night I kept reopening the lid hoping that it might magically turn into something I could use. What a pathetic, disgusting, worthless person I am.

It's funny how even after almost three months of leaving the relationship, I'm still practically hooked with how everything used to be. I think I do this to myself, I don't let myself actually enjoy life anymore, and I complain about him, blaming him on everything, when really I was one of the main problems as to why the relationship didn't work. It went like this.

1) he cheated on me before i kissed him
2) when i did kiss him, it was a month.
3) i found out he did drugs, and then he told me he cheated.
4) i never let him live it down.
5) i complained.
6) i never did anything sexual to him until the last couple of months.
7) i lectured him about drugs and drinking.
8) he cheated on me more because i was being such a bitch to him.
9) i was so paranoid i barely let him see other girls.

Yes, I do think that I have my reasons, but those reasons aren't good enough. They shouldn't be allowed to be good enough because I practically forced him out of my life. He always kept finding other girls, and to make a point out of it, prettier, skinnier girls than I. He always complimented me when I was losing weight over the summer. Even when he found out how I was doing it, he never stopped me. He sometimes expressed how he felt the last two months, but if I did it, he would just shrug it off. I never mean any harm to someone, but for him to not care about that, it really shows how horrible he felt about me.

FRENCH ORAL

Dans la cuisine, Thomas est cherche les nourritures mange. Il faut pour il fait la vaisselle parce que, il veut aller au cinema avec son copains ce soir. Thomas est grand. Il est sympathique et timide. Quand il va au cinema, il aime regarder les films d'aventures. Il va au cinema trois fois par mois. Il ne travaille pas, il a assez d'argent.

Son père et son mère est dans le salon. Aussi, son chien est dort. Dans le salon, son mère est lit un magazine. Son père est regarde la télé.

Dans le chambre de Thomas, il y a une guitare sur son lit. Il aime le guitare. Aussi, il joue le foot. Son mère veut il range son chambre.

Il a une frère et une soeur. Son frère est deux ans et son soeur est dix ans, Elle s'appelle Rachel. Elle aime écoute la musique. Elle musique favori est rock. Elle porte une robe.

This week has been really stupid for me. On May 31st I thought I would finally get into my mood that I usually do each summer.

You lose weight, and fast.
It doesn't matter how you do it either.

And that is basically what I tell myself. Even if I will be lying there between my thirty minute breaks going "this will never help me" I still get up and work my ass off.

So anyway, Monday was alright. I managed to eat about 1,000 calories and I worked off 600 of it. I think that is pathetic because I wanted to actually work off a thousand, but I guess pathetic things should be given to pathetic people.

Actually Tuesday did help me very well. I had to run the mile in gym, so overall I worked off 700 calories and ate about 2,000. I ate too much I know, but I can't help myself. Once I start eating, I really can't stop.

Wednesday was amazing though. I had this assembly/trip and I had to miss Lunch for it. That would probably be the best thing possible for me. You want to know why? Because then I CAN'T eat, I don't have a choice. If I could choose whether or not I ate or not, I would choose I can't and then be done with it. So, that day I ate 700 calories, and burned off 200.

And now, today is Thursday and everything was horrible. Of course they have cheese steak for lunch, of course my friend convinces me to go in line and get one, of course I don't want to work out, and of course my mother makes tacos. I really wish I could just die right now. I feel horrible, I am horrible. I really don't deserve this food, it is too good for me.

I haven't really been on here in awhile. I'm just so tired with everything and I never know what to do anymore. My eyes feel like they want to burn, I think it's great. not.

ME :D

My personality: Kaitlyn
(everything with a little circle thing is what I have done or what I am)

i’m loud only when I’m high.
i’m obnoxious.
* i’m sarcastic.
i’m cocky. (I’m not cocky, I’m confident.)
* i cry easily.
* i have a bad temper. (on some days.)
* for the most part, i don’t like people.
* i’m easy to get along with.
i like to fight sometimes.
* i have more enemies than friends.
i’ve smoked.
i’ve smoked weed.
* i drink coffee.
i clean my room daily.

My appearance:

* i wear makeup.
i wear a piece of jewelry at all times.
i wear contacts.
* i wear glasses.
i’ve had braces.
i have braces.
i change my hair color often.
* i straighten my hair often.
* my ears are pierced.
i have small feet.

Relationships:

i’m in a relationship now.
* i’m single.
i’m crushin’.
* i’ve missed an ex before.
* i’m always scared of being hurt.
* an ex has physically abused me at least once.
i’ve told someone i loved them when i didn’t.
i’ve told someone i didn’t love them when i did.
i’ve been in love more than two times.
i believe in love at first sight.
i believe lust is more important than love.

Friendships:

* i have a best friend.
i have at least ten friends.
* i’ve gotten a phone call in the last 48 hours from a friend.
i’ve beaten up a friend.
* i’ve been in a serious fight with a friend.
i can trust at least five people with my life.

Experiences:

* i’ve been on a plane.
* i’ve been on a train.
* i’ve left the state/province.
* someone close to me has died.
* i’ve taken a taxi.
* i’ve taken a city bus.
* i’ve taken a school bus.
i’ve gone bungee jumping.
i’ve made a speech.
i’ve been in some sort of club.
* i’ve won an award.
i’ve spent 24 hours on the computer straight.
* i’ve been in a physical fight.

music:

* i listen to country.
* i listen to pop.
* i listen to techno.
* i listen to rock.
* i’m one of those people who play songs repeatedly until i hate it.
i hate the radio.
* i download music.
i buy cd’s.

television:

i spend at least six hours a day watching television.
i watch soap operas daily.
i’m in love with days of our lives.
i’ve seen and like the oc.
i’ve seen and like one tree hill.
* i’ve seen and like america’s next top model.
i’ve seen and like popular.
* i’ve seen and like House.
i’ve seen and like 24.
* i’ve seen and like csi.
i’ve seen and like everwood.

family life:

i get along with both of my parents.
* my biological parents are still together.
* i have at least one brother.
i have at least one sister.
i have at least one step brother/sister.
i have at least one half brother/sister.
i’ve been kicked out of the house.
* i’ve ran away from my home.
* i’ve sworn at my parents.
* i’ve made my parents cry.
* i’ve lied to my parents.
* i’ve lied to my parents about where i am.
* i’ve lied to my parents about what i’m doing.
* i’ve lied to my parents so i’d be allowed out.
i’ve walked out when i’ve been grounded.

hair:

* i’ve been brown.
* i’ve had streaks.
* i’ve cut my hair in the past year.
i’ve dyed my hair in the past year.
* i’ve been blonde.
i’ve had black.
* i’ve been red.
i’ve had purple/pink
* i’ve been light brown.
* i’ve been medium brown
i’ve been blue/green.
* i’ve gotten my hair thinned.
* i use conditioner.
* i’ve used silk therapy.
i’ve used hot oil treatments.
* i’ve curled my hair.
* i’ve straightened my hair.
* i’ve ironed my hair.
* i’ve braided my hair.
i’ve had/want dreadlocks.

school:

i’ve thrown something at a teacher.
i’ve yelled at a teacher.
i’ve been suspended.
i’ve had an in-school suspension.
i’ve been sent to the principal’s office.
i’ve walked out of class.
i’ve skipped an entire day of school.
i’ve skipped a whole month of one certain class.
* i’ve failed a test.
i’ve cheated on a test.
i’ve helped someone else cheat on a test.
i’ve failed art.
i’ve failed p.e.
i’ve failed math.
i’ve failed another class.
* a teacher has called my parents.
i’ve been caught skipping

i have managed to ruin everything. first i ruin other peoples lives, and now i am ruining not only theirs, but mine as well. i feel so bad.

what do you want from me!??!?!
what do you fucking want from me.

[21:04:24] kait says:
i think i want to annoy you tonight.
[21:04:34] kait says:
or your morning.
[21:04:41] kait says:
whichever you prefer to say.
[21:04:57] kait says:
either way, i am going to continue to talk.
[21:05:02] kait says:
because i am lonely.
[21:05:09] David / Sabrak says:
bad, bad idea
[21:05:19] kait says:
and if you don't answer, that it is okay. oh wait, you answered.
[21:05:28] kait says:
why is this a bad, bad idea?
[21:06:10] kait says:
because i have been extremely frustrated, and haven't wanted to come on here, which i only do for the wrong reasons, and now i am here, and i am even more frustrated.
[21:06:49] kait says:
so i go hey, ditch the one on the phone and chat on here. the problem with that is no one on here likes me. probably because of my bitchy moods. no see im almost positive that it is just my personality.
[21:07:13] kait says:
either way, im mad. and i really want chocolate. or to stab something, that would be nice to.
[21:07:29] kait says:
i really want to know why this is a bad idea now. its frustrating me more then anything else.
[21:07:50] David / Sabrak says:
how annoying me would be a good idea?
[21:09:21] kait says:
to you it may be annoying, because i am just plainly an annoying person, to most people, especially you. so technically for me it is not on purpose, it just happens. and i know you hate me, and i accept that, but in my mind im going to pretend you like me, okay? and no, you can not argue with me. because i will argue back, and if i argue back in the mood i am, i will do something stupid.
[21:09:36] kait says:
do you find argueing as an art?
[21:09:52] David / Sabrak says:
whatever
[21:10:17] kait says:
art is more along the lines of painting and drawing, but i can see being argumentive as that too. because some people can be extremely good at it. others, not so good. like me, i can't be good at it at all.
[21:10:50] kait says:
now why haven't you blocket me yet? that is the question im getting at. shut me up, right now. block, leave, never come back. that will be a good idea i think for you.
[21:11:38] kait says:
and then it will both be lonely again. not only for myself while i am sitting here, but also the person who sits and stares at the screen. i can sit and listen to all of the lonely songs, and then know EXACTLY what it is like to be lonely.
[21:11:52] kait says:
lonely lonely lonesome.
[21:12:39] kait says:
i don't feel like shutting up yet. i do bet your not even reading this, which is just great. either way, i am going to tell whatever computer these messages are going to, how life is.
[21:13:55] kait says:
LIFE as some people think is wonderful. well, they are wrong. that is all bullshit, along with the people. it is lie after lie and lie. you lie when your born, and every year that passes by. until you end up the only person left. those are the people who are the worst people, because the best people die young and early and crisp and beautiful but yet they are deadly to everyone around them.
[21:14:33] David / Sabrak says:
you're fricking depressing
[21:15:03] kait says:
so the lying helps everyone get through life, and they become stronger. stronger then any other person in the world. and when they finally reach the top, where no one else could manage to get ahead of them. all of the lying shrinks away and the shrivel up and die. on the top of the world, where they can see all of the beautiful dying people, they die along with them.
[21:15:41] kait says:
the difference however is that they die alone. they don't die with the beautiful ones, they die by themselves. but after all of that lying, i guess some people say they deserve it.
[21:17:04] kait says:
either way, we are all going to die. and what i find interesting is some people actually think they can get through life without hurting people. the problem is that everyone hurts people. some people even refuse to befriend others because they don't want to get hurt. but the hurt will find them, and destroy them. if you keep avoiding it, it will just come and get you, but it will be bigger.
[21:17:42] kait says:
bigger then anything else that has happened. if you lock yourselve in a room and hope that you won't die from disease, watch out. you walk outside, BAM, you get cancer.
[21:18:05] kait says:
or you get shot by some crazy maniac, either way, your caught in this fucked up place.
[21:20:02] kait says:
i am sorry, i will leave you be now.

Do you want me to feel bad for you? That I am hurting you only because I am talking with you. That the only reason why you are upset now, is because of me. That somehow, I managed to upset you so much that your ready to just leave and never speak with me again. That you are ready to just run out of my life, and never know what happens to me? You were not ready to meet me then. You were not ready to know about me. You did not deserve to meet me. I am a person; not someone who wants to be left. I hate you and your ways, yet I hate to love you at the same time.

they play head games with me. well, at least people tell me they do. they will tell me this, and then take it back. then give it to me again, but then take it back. time after time i sit and wonder how much longer it will go on, and whether or not i should just give up and give in. sit there and not care what happens, let it happen without a fight. let everything happen. give in to what makes me feel better at that exact moment instead of do what is right for me in the long run. i will sit there, and do something stupid. get yelled at, make mistakes, but will continue with it. it will be my little secret, for only a little time until someone see's what is really going on.

NO. I DON'T CARE. you do NOT tell a teenage girl her ass is big, and her thighs are wide!
and then! DON'T add "but i still love you"

fuck you.

things have become pretty pointless to me now.

i was watching this video on youtube about someone explaining how you are the only person who is going to stay with your through everything. they will be there when you are born, when you die, and everything in between. i can understand that, people come and go. but what i can't understand is how to love myself. i don't hate myself, really i don't. i would just rather change. i want to lose weight. not because of other people, but because i don't feel comfortable in my own skin. i have to hug my waist when i am sitting down just to know that i am okay. i hate my hair. i want it to be silky and smooth. i want to be able to go up to someone, and feel comfortable talking to them. i do not care that they may not be with me all of my life, i just want to feel comfortable and good at that moment.

i am good at getting convinced that everything will get better. so for now, i am still with michael.
recently however i have become more fond of my friend thomas. he has managed to talk to me every day, and i am realizing that maybe this boy might care for me, just a little bit. i don't think i deserve this care though. i only wish to be talked to, to know that someone loves me. the only problem with this is that i am told over and over, that its not how people work. they only want you for one thing, and one thing only. the pleasure for their own self. even now, i am using this blog to type up my thoughts because i need to talk about it, and because the typing on the new laptop feels good.
sometimes i wonder if i died, if i would ever be missed, or ever become important. i know my youtube videos are not that good, but haven't you noticed that if people know something that goes on, they somewhat pity you. they will talk to you, and care for you, whether it be real or fake. that is the problem with my dear friend thomas. him knowing things, i think he finds it a job to talk to me and make me feel better. that is not what i want. i want someone who will talk to me, not because they feel bad, but because they want to. i know i am boring, and i cannot seem to stop it, but i at least wish i wasn't boring to one person.